Make my heart stop…

I wake up from a nightmare; I am in an elevator going up and as the door is just about to close I see you. Without thinking about everything that has gone wrong I lift my hand to salute you with the same honest heart and good faith as always but you don´t see me. You are carrying someone else´s luggage and I see you embrace this someone in your arms with the same open smile you once devoted me, just before the elevator doors shut and I go up despite of me…

As I rush and try to start the day with a clear head and shake off my nightmare, as I am just about to close the front door, I must go back to check if the oven is turned off and then a second time again because I have a bad conscience regarding the plants which are not even mine but are looking very yellow and dry! – And the last thing I need on top of it all is that the goddamn plants go dying on me…- I think to myself. As I am about to leave I read the post it on the door which someone else wrote: “Alles was wird tun wird gut werden”. I take a deep breath.

The trash has been collected from the streets, an Arab mother outside a school yard watches her child on the playground with obvious pride, probably counting the hours until they hold each other again.

I apply my energy day long solving other people´s problems hoping that this will maybe be sufficient to solve my own. Everything is connected in some weird way and I run, I think, I make an effort and I am creative in finding ways to make things work… I leave my sense of schizophrenia behind and do my best. In the night I meet up with a friend just before he takes a flight to another continent.
I am living in between, in the fold, where everything is so quick yet much more intensive…

I am waiting for the last train, hopping that it will go the right way and get me safely home for I forgot my city guide. I´ve got my silver princess high heels on and I am waiting for the very last train while looking to my red toe nails… I find happiness in the silliest of things…
I see “MTV teens” going out to party, people trying to get back home after a 16 hour workday, and we are all part of this pulsing system… I see a rat running around the corner in the subway and an old lady collecting bottles for the refund money… I feel like holding her in my arms. NO ONE should be collecting bottles in subway stations for the deposit! And NO ONE CARES! But I do! I feel like shouting the top of my lungs! And the rat moves quickly again, this time in another direction and no one seems to see it except for me. And I get into the train and cross all the unknown stations ending in -heim and -weg trusting that I will somehow get home and not lost in all the madness I witness everyday!

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